A few Christmas day jokes,,

Christmas jokes

Merry Christmas everyone! I thought since it was Christmas day I’d post some very funny Christmas jokes. Well, I’m not sure if they are all really funny, but they ARE Christmas jokes. So if you need a lift go ahead and read them, and have a great Christmas day!

Bubba Claus’s Best Pick-up Lines

Hey Babe, when was the last time you had a really good sleigh?

Care to see my twelve inch elf?

I’ve got something special in the sack just for you!

Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?

I know when you’ve been bad or good so let’s skip the small talk,
sister!

Some of my favorite toys run on batteries….

Interested in seeing the North Pole? (Well, that’s what Mrs. Claus
calls it…)

I see you when you’re sleeping and you don’t wear any underwear,
do you?

Screw the “nice” list. I’ve got you on my “nice AND naughty” list!

Ho-Ho-How’d you like to shake like a bowl of jelly?

I put the ‘scroo’ in ‘scrooge!

I’ve got something you can hang a wreath on!

One hour with me honey and you’ll see flyin’ reindeer!

That is NO candy cane in my pocket, and I’m glad to see you.

Uh-yeah, that’s right. I’m Kenny Rogers.

I got your stocking stuffer right here!

Giddy-up over here and say ‘Howdy’ to your fat, bearded cowboy of
love!

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A Wife’s Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin and bitchin.
I’ve been here for hours, I can’t stop to rest.
This room’s a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I’ve got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, and cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There’s a knock at the door and the telephone’s ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave’s dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done,
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

I’ve had all I can stand, I can’t take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.

He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles “The eggnog is ready!”
He looks all around and with total regret,
Says, “What’s taking so long…. Aren’t you through in here yet??”

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain,
And screams “MY GOD WOMAN, YOU’RE GOING INSANE!!”

Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh damn it’s the pies!! They’re burned all to hell!!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.

What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead?
If this is good living, I’d rather be dead.
Lord, don’t get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.

But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You won’t find me pulling my hair out in here.
I’ll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter!
And if that doesn’t work, I’LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

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Santa Claus Is Wearing A Gown

You better come out, you better not cry,
You better not pout, I’m telling you why
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.

He’s making the switch,
He’s leaving his wife,
He’s gonna come out, to start a new life
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.

A secret he’s been keeping,
It’s made him awful tense.
He knows it will be better now,
When he comes down off that fence.

So you better come out,
You better not cry, you better not pout,
I’m telling you why.
Santa Claus is wearing a gown.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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